Emancipation from the family of origin is a goal that begins
in adolescence and continues throughout life.
Marriage is one of these possibilities or one of these frustrations.
The influences of the family of origin on a couple’s relationship are often unconscious: the family is the starting point for many aspects of life, particularly in the relational sphere, for the idea of what develops as a couple and what is desired for a loving relationship.
Knowing and recognising family history and its influences are essential aspects of living a healthy emotional life.
The emotional choice
There is a saying that goes something like this: ‘we look for someone who is useful in defining our relationships with our family of origin’, and this tells us how important family relationships are in building our emotional future.
The more positive they are, the more ‘easy’ the relationships are, and the more complex and unresolved they are, the more complicated things become.
In addition to this aspect, awareness is what always makes the difference. Being aware of your family history can help you change, improve and decide what kind of relationship you want to build.
What people do not know is that the paths that lead them to enter into a particular relationship start with their family of origin, and the direction will be one of two paths:
- equality: replicating the family model;
- compensation/reclamation/reparations: trying to overcome the difficulties you had in your family of origin through the person you have chosen.
What are the challenges for the new couple?
Entering adulthood also means questioning relationships with the family of origin: intruders, conflicts, opinions, expectations that can be dragged into the ‘walls’ of the couple.
Managing family and external influences will help the couple grow stronger.
It is striking how many couple conflicts have the history of family life as their backdrop!
Build a healthy balance and maintain the right distance!
Being able to manage your families of origin is the ultimate challenge for every couple, and there are some useful strategies for developing this:
- self-awareness and knowledge of family history: this will help you understand your role in your family and the role of your family in your life;
- communication and negotiation: in a relationship, the more you communicate and are open to negotiation, the easier it will be to set boundaries, say no and protect your personal space;
- Family boundaries: every couple must be able to set limits on the influence exerted by their family of origin, which also requires transforming relationships and adjusting distances. Clear boundaries are an essential requirement for creating a couple with its own unity and identity. Just as the couple must define rules and limits, the family of origin will also have to make changes in its relationship with its children.
Knowing how to manage one’s family of origin is the ultimate challenge for every couple.
Creating a ‘new’ couple will always be a difficult experience, and the influence of the family of origin can make it even more complicated, so it is not uncommon for problems to arise.
Joining with one’s partner means being able to live through challenges, joys and sorrows together without feeling that the couple could fall apart at any moment.
When can couples’ psychotherapy be useful?
When the couple as a project and desire has lost strength in the face of external situations such as work, friends and, above all, families of origin.
Psychotherapy is not initially a space for problem solving. In reality, it is a space for listening to couples and individuals, where more effective communication and negotiation options can be cultivated.
Above all, psychotherapy is a space for reflection, choices and responsibility. A way out of guilt and excuses!
If you choose to continue the relationship, everyone will have to ‘roll up their sleeves’ and work hard! Contractual clauses must be updated, fines must be paid and the spouses’ accounts must be in order.
If you choose to end the relationship, psychotherapy will be even more valuable in increasing awareness of what has been lost, what remains, what has been missing and what will be reused for your own development. Each person can use the therapeutic space to say their solemn goodbyes, grieve and give heartfelt thanks.
Text: Jaqueline Cássia de Oliveira