"Afirmo ao senhor, do que vivi: o mais difícil não é um ser bom e proceder honesto; dificultoso, mesmo, é um saber definido o que quer, e ter o poder de ir até no rabo da palavra." (J.G.Rosa)
1st AGE – CHRONOLOGICAL: measured from the date of birth.
2nd AGE – PHYSIOLOGICAL: this is the degree of attention you pay to your health. It is the age at which your body responds to it.
3rd AGE – IMAGINARY: this is when you are disconnected from reality. When you feel frustrated (you argue with reality), this is where you return. It may coincide with the age at which you suffered a frustration that you were unable to tolerate.
4th AGE – THE CHOSEN ONE: this is the age I choose to have. A 40-year-old can choose to be 70, or a person with a chronological age of 70 can choose to function as if they were 40. Inevitably, from the age of 40 onwards, you will have to choose your best age! The reference point for choosing this age is what you want from your life.
ON THE AGE OF OUR PARENTS
Consider the imaginary age of your parents. Where did your parents stop?
AT THE AGE A PARENT STOPS, IT IS LIKELY THAT THEIR CHILDREN WILL ALSO STOP.
If there was a block, where did you stop?
Did you stop at helplessness or arrogance?
As a ‘child or babysitter’?
Dependent or co-dependent?
Adult or adulterer?
CHILD
He is a believer.
He is a copy (often a copy of copies…).
He is attached (transactional object).
He has not yet built up any internal values.
He feels lonely.
He is spoilt and does not like to be contradicted.
It needs a lot of attention.
It is primitive – It has precision and needs (of others, of things, of the outside world).
‘Guided’ by instincts, emotions and imagination.
TEENAGER
He is sceptical and contrary.
Seeks values different from those of the family.
Wants to be different, but at the same time the same as another group.
They question family, religious and political beliefs, but continue to imitate them anyway.
He is distracted and desperate.
Emotions are close to the surface, which are a sort of draft of true feelings.
And very imaginative, which is a kind of draft of articulate thought.
ADULT
He has his own internal values (different from beliefs).
He has become a SUBJECT – he is the agent of action and occupies his space in his time.
Does not descend too far to the level of negotiation.
It can even reach a certain attachment, but only temporarily.
ADULTERATED
An individual without INTERNAL CONSTRUCTION, without internal value and therefore tied to the other.
The obvious characteristic of this type of person is narcissism (vanity and envy): the inability to integrate their own ego with that of the other.
TWO TYPES OF ADULTERATED
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There are those who trample on others and seek attention in a childish way. They play at being heroes and saviours. They are overbearing.
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And there are those who trample on themselves and cling to others. They are dependent, victims, powerless.
Examples:
Alcoholics and users of any drug (legal or illegal); loss of consciousness, leaving life in the hands of others. It is a kind of slavery (imprisonment of the soul).
Dr Eduardo Kalina talks about slavery: I realised that drug addiction is a form of slavery… Drugs are a phenomenon of submission…
Obese, anorexic and bulimic people are prisoners of the expectations of others, of the recognition of others.
Victims and heroes: blaming or saving the other.
Psychopaths/perverts: who need the victim attached to them and the victim who needs the strength of their tormentor.
Psychotics: paralysed in their search for recognition from others.
Intellectuals, workaholics: they pay no attention to themselves and transform everything into thoughts or things/money – they seek the approval of others through having and doing.
ON ATTACHMENT
Human beings are born immersed in the imaginary and are born ATTACHED. The complicated issue is that attachment generates accommodation, which generates more imagination and more fiction.
ON THE CHILD AND THE BABYSITTER
Helping = value
Saving = attachment/dependence (dependence and co-dependence).
When I am attached to a person, I do not appreciate them. I become attached to my attitude towards them (saving them, taking care of them, etc.).
Value = wanting what is best for them
Attachment = loving them (I like you for who you are!).
ATTACHMENT IS THE RESULT OF A DEEP-ROOTED BELIEF
NOT EVERYONE HAS VALUE.
BUT EVERYONE HAS A BELIEF!
"O senhor deve de ficar prevenido: esse povo diverte por demais com baboseira, dum traque de jumento formam tufão de ventania. Por gosto de rebuliço. Querem-porque-querem inventar maravilhas glorionhas, depois eles mesmos acabam temendo e crendo. Parece que todo mundo carece disso." (J.G.Rosa)
NATURAL DEPENDENCE X SLAVERY AND DEPENDENCE
Natural dependence: that which is necessary for survival (in time and in the appropriate form).
When dependence is altered (for example, with excessive protection), dependence becomes slavery, because it invalidates the other person, preventing them from growing and being free.
The best way to take a person from natural dependence to dysfunctional dependence (slavery of the soul) is through COCKLE-DOCKLE. Those who do this are illusionists = I will cuddle you so that I have the right to control your life.
Note: when human beings are not pampered, they may pamper themselves, for fear of growing up and taking responsibility for their own lives.
THE CHILD AND BABYSITTER RELATIONSHIP
CHILD – THE DEPENDENT is demanding, fragile and privileged! Everything offends and hurts them. They throw tantrums, cry, kick, hold their breath, are scandalous, drink, use drugs… And the nanny remains paralysed in the face of the scandal.
BABYSITTER – THE CO-DEPENDENT is an illusionist. The babysitter can be limiting and/or destructive (powerful boss or powerful bossess).
The spoilt child does nothing and the nanny seems to do everything. The nanny makes many decisions and in the end does nothing useful. It is pure illusion! No one has moved! No one has grown up! Nothing has happened in REALITY. It is all fiction…
MAFIA FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
Example from the film: The Godfather 1 (in the Mafia relationship, those who are outside do not enter, those who are inside do not leave).
Emotional care of the family is replaced by CONTROL.
This is how the Mafia institution works. The Mafia says: ‘If you remain small and defenceless, I will protect you, I will give you security. But you can never leave the Mafia, otherwise it will kill you!
The security offered by the Mafia comes in the form of torture. It is destructive for both the child and the nanny.
THE THREE TYPES OF HELP
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Limiting: helps the other and excludes himself. He is very helpful, but limits and infantilises the other.
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Destructive – mafioso. It destroys the other and destroys itself.
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Interactive/shared: two-way. Helps and asks for help. Does for the other and does for himself.
NÃO POSSO TE DAR A LUA.
SÓ POSSO APONTAR!
INTERACTING is the opposite of commanding, demanding, controlling.
I do not control anything. But I can interact.
Whenever I feel insecure, I will want to control.
I can live by commanding, controlling or submitting, being commanded by others, by food, by drugs…
ARROGANCE IS THE DAY AFTER IMPOTENCE.
LIFE AND REALITY DO NOT ACCEPT CONTROL/DOMINATION.
LIFE AND REALITY ACCEPT NEGOTIATION/INTERACTION (EVOLUTIONARY).
ON VALUE
It has to do with freedom of choice and with thinking that is connected to REALITY.
It is a kind of ‘quality control’, because it has an overview.
MORE ON LACTATION
It has to do with beliefs and slavery.
The child is very distressed and very attached, because he is in the hands of the other. He still seeks confirmation from the other.
ON BELIEF, DISBELIEF AND VALUE
BELIEF: childish. The child receives value from the other (family, school, religion, society) and accepts it as a belief, because it does not yet have the ability to express a value judgement.
DISBELIEF: adolescent. The adolescent questions beliefs, goes against the grain, but does not yet have personal values.
VALUE: adult. The adult (and not the adulterated) has personal values because they express value judgements. They respect the beliefs and/or values of others and take care of what is valid for them.
ON BELIEFS AND DEEP-ROOTED BELIEFS
Belief is a primary organisation, a mythical compass. It is in me, but it is not mine.
To understand your deep-rooted beliefs, observe familiar sayings.
Belief is an organiser of the collective (groups, institutions, cultures, etc.).
At the individual level, belief without value judgement becomes a deep-rooted belief (without effort, without construction, without questions, just a copy). It is a false value.
Belief is functional in the group and dysfunctional in the individual.
** If you interfere with the beliefs of a group, you can destroy that group. And if you interfere with the deep-rooted beliefs of someone who does not yet show signs of INDIVIDUATION AND MATURITY, you can even ‘psychotise’ them because you take away the ‘grounding’ of the person (who has not built their own value/inner world).
BEWARE! BELIEF IS NOT A VALUE!
Crença não é algo meu. É emprestado pelo sistema familiar, pelo grupo.
It is a false value or a distorted value.
It is imposed and/or compulsory.
It must be – unlike need, desire, will and meaning.
There is no listening, no conversation, no negotiation.
THOSE WHO HAVE AN INNER LIFE AND VALUES DO NOT SUFFER.
THEY MAY BE SAD, BUT THEY DO NOT SUFFER.
Adulto é quem tem noção de conjunto. Tem integrado mundo interno e mundo externo.
Inner world = feeling and thinking in a systemic way (reflecting). Realm of values.
External world = thinking disconnected from feeling. It is living in the ‘realm’ of importance (work, money, social position, professional titles, civil status titles, sexuality titles…).
Adulterado é quem não tem noção de conjunto e vive preso no imaginário/imagem (somente mundo externo). CURIOSAMENTE, QUANTO MAIS VOCÊ DER ERRADO NO REAL, MAIS VOCÊ ESCAPA PARA O IMAGINÁRIO, SE "ENDEUZA" E QUER SER ESPECIAL!
The ADULTERATED has very sophisticated crutches (drugs, alcohol, illness, work, money, love, attachments, addictions and co-dependencies in general).
Example: the alcoholic DENIES being aware of what is happening (and in one way or another, every person has a level of awareness). So they drink to LOSE their awareness and the rest of the VALUE they have. Thus, they become increasingly ATTACHED to drinking and distant from Reality.
ON TRUE VALUE
It is what has MEANING; what gives meaning!
It comes from sensitivity, from feeling (internal and external listening).
But be careful! If you become attached to a value, it will become an attachment/belief.
Value has an expiry date!
ON FALSE VALUE
Attachment and conviction are not yet a value. They can become one, because they are a first rudimentary notion of value.
VALUE IS
Something very solitary (without dependencies). I chose it because I wanted to.
Only I am responsible for what I choose and appreciate.
Value places me alone before the universe. Right or wrong, it is my child. I am the one who chooses what makes sense to me.
Therefore, children, young people and adulterers have no value. They have beliefs or fads because they follow the lead of others.
It takes time and individuality to have value.
THOSE WHO ARE ATTACHED HATE LONELINESS because they do not like to decide and answer for themselves.
A WOMAN’S BELIEF is to live in ATTACHED LOVE, IN THE SENSE OF GUILT/RESPONSIBILITY. Her freedom is in the hands of a man or her children. When she is born, a girl receives a doll (training in attached love, without freedom).
THE BELIEF OF MEN is FREEDOM without responsibility, and love is in the hands of women. When a boy is born, he receives a ball or a toy car (training in freedom, but he will not be able to manage his emotions).
ALGUMAS REFLEXÕES:
QUAL O MODELO DE FUNCIONAMENTO DE SUA FAMÍLIA: ADULTO OU ADULTERADO?
Lembre-se que os filhos têm uma LEALDADE FAMILIAR e repetem o padrão familiar.
VERIFIQUE OS SEUS ABANDONOS NA INFÂNCIA E NA ADOLESCENCIA. Como você obtinha atenção?
VOCÊ DÁ ATENÇÃO PARA VOCÊ MESMO? Como você faz isto?
Lembre-se que ser humano tende a trocar cuidados por mimos. Se não recebe mimos dos outros, acaba por si mimar e se tornar "especial".
VOCÊ ACREDITA (CREDITA) EM SI MESMO?
Dalai Lama disse: "– Vocês são doidos de não gostarem de si mesmos? Lá no Tibet, no mínimo temos que gostar de nós mesmos." (No ocidente educamos na base da crítica).
IN WHAT SITUATION DID YOU REALISE YOU WERE PARALYSED?
Was it at the same time as your parents?
The global belief in recent decades is based on the American model that we must work hard to pay bills and more bills and have an almost meaningless life, in addition to producing, buying, selling, eating and sleeping. Thus, the world has lost its ethical, moral and humanitarian values.
HOW HAS THIS NEW WORLDWIDE BELIEF AFFECTED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
Texto organizado por Jaqueline Cássia de Oliveira Psicoterapeuta Sistêmica - CRP 04/7521 Fontes: Apostilas e aulas do Curso de Pensamento Sistêmico – Dra. Zélia Nascimento – Belo Horizonte, MG/Brasil Livros , apostilas e entrevistas de Dr. Eduardo Kalina - Buenos Aires – Argentina