Quando duas pessoas iniciam um relacionamento, está implícito um contrato, com cláusulas invisíveis, com acordos subentendidos e assinado por ambos, sem terem lido as letrinhas miúdas...
The exercise below serves as a tool for psychotherapists to formulate hypotheses about the type of contract entered into by the couple in therapy.
It can be carried out separately or with both partners in the session, responding in writing.
It can also be carried out by you, the readers of this text.
THINK OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE HAD OR ARE HAVING AND ANSWER:
- Where were you when you started dating, or when you felt you were dating, or when the ‘declaration of love’ took place?
- What was the atmosphere like at that moment?
- Who was there or who acted as a mentor to the relationship?
- What attracted you most (at that moment) to that person?
- What do you think attracted the other person to you in the beginning?
- What were your expectations at that initial moment?
- What were you experiencing (that was significant) during that period?
- What significant sign, word or attitude did you notice at that time?
- What attitude or behaviour currently distances you most from this person?
* In general, what initially attracted you later becomes a source of discord..
BEGINNING – PASSION
How does a romantic relationship traditionally begin?
It begins with passion, although there are couples who fell in love after being friends or acquaintances. But the first natural phase is passion, in which there is a blockage of the left hemisphere of the brain.
Every time we fall in love, there is also a chemical reaction. We secrete and release more substances, such as endorphins and small doses of dopamine, using our right brain hemisphere more.
Note: endorphins give us a feeling of fulfilment, of being loved, of feeling good about life, and dopamine gives us excitement.
During passion, the left hemisphere of the brain is blocked, and therefore lucidity and clarity reach minimum levels. The right hemisphere of the brain reigns supreme during this phase. The object of our passion has only good qualities and is the only person capable of making us happy, becoming the most important ‘thing’ in our lives. Work, family, friends, hobbies, everything around us is just a superfluous complement.
The passion phase is painful because it is characterised by exaggeration. We really want everything to go well. This will prevail until the left hemisphere of the brain is reactivated and shows us the external reality.
Then the lover ‘returns to reality’ and begins to resume their life (work, friends, family, etc.). This usually happens first to the man, who begins to realise that he loves his partner very much.
It is well known that passion can last a few minutes or, at most, two years. If it lasts longer, it takes on a pathological, obsessive character. Passion can turn into love or end forever.
LOVE PHASE
"Temos pressa para ouvir "eu te amo". Não vemos a hora de que fiquem estabelecidos as regras do convívio: somos namorados, ficantes, casados, amantes?... Esquecemos entanto da palavra que viabiliza esse sentimento: paciência. Amor sem paciência não vinga!"
Once the first phase of passion is over, projections have been verified in reality and it remains to be seen whether this passion will turn into love. This is the moment that will allow us to have a little spice. Excess becomes more calibrated with reality.
The two lovers resume their individual activities and begin to see the other person in depth, with strengths and weaknesses, and decide to accept the complete ‘package’: strengths and weaknesses, dreams and reality.
It is in this stage of love that we must renew our commitment to love. Why in this transition? Because everything in transition is in motion, and it is on the winning team that we move. And so, we will make successive changes so that this relationship does not degenerate.
CRISES CONJUGAIS
"Amor permanente...como a gente se agarra nesta ilusão.
Pois se nem o amor pela gente mesmo resiste tanto tempo sem umas reavaliações.
Por isso nos transformamos, temos sede de aprender, de nos melhorar,
de deixar pra trás nossos imensuráveis erros, nossos achaques, nossos preconceitos,
tudo o que fizemos achando que era certo e hoje condenamos.
O amor se infiltra dentro de nós, mas seguem todos em movimento:
você, o amor da sua vida e o que vocês sentem.
Tudo pulsando independentemente,
e passíveis de se desgarrar um do outro."
Martha Medeiros
Everything that is alive is cyclical, rising, falling, alternating. A crisis in a relationship is life’s warning that a change should be made and has not been made. The crisis usually arises with the entry of a third element (pregnancy, child, mother-in-law, job, lover, etc.).
The marital crisis is characterised by a feeling of betrayal (someone has betrayed someone); or has been deceived, thought it was one way and it turned out to be another.
The moment of crisis is the best time to undergo psychotherapy, to make changes. But if this does not happen, when the couple seeks therapy, for example through a child, the therapist will create a ‘crisis’ to get people out of their paralysis.
Outcome of the crisis: either the relationship will be renewed or it will end.
Reconciliation will be possible when:
- Not too much time has passed, because depending on the situation, the initial difficulty has already become a problem, a symptom, an illness or has even already ‘died’.
- The degree of emotional investment of each person is equal.
- The degree of clarity, in which each person must return to their responsibilities.
- Neither of them is working for the relationship anymore (50% each).
- The couple learns to face the current reality: nothing will ever be the same again. It may be better, but it can never be like it was in the beginning.
SENIOR RELATIONSHIPS AND RENEGOTIATIONS
Every relationship needs a clean-up from time to time. Finding new places, changing some clauses and even recycling (as in the case of friendships). Because as we evolve and change levels, some relationships or people no longer have a place in our lives.
Even emotional relationships become senile, obsolete, when they are not renewed. The more you use something, the more you have to take care of it.
In the case of a marital relationship, for example, you have to revitalise it, renew it, not let it grow old. Do ‘revisions and maintenance of parts’ based on the time of use.
Marriage has all the ingredients for failure because it involves two different people from different families with different values and, if they do not pay attention and take care of each other (if it is worth it), the union can be ruined and even end!
Emotional relationships need to be revitalised and renewed. How? In as many ways as possible, depending on your interest and the other person’s interest in the relationship. From being good company (interesting and interested) to psychotherapy.
END OF THE RELATIONSHIP
Para apreciar melhor este poema de Clarice Lispector, você deve lê-lo de cima para baixo e depois de baixo para cima. Não te amo mais. Estarei mentindo dizendo que Ainda te quero como sempre quis. Tenho certeza que Nada foi em vão. Sinto dentro de mim que Você não significa nada. Não poderia dizer jamais que Alimento um grande amor Sinto cada vez mais que Já te esqueci! E jamais usarei a frase Eu te amo! Sinto, mas tenho que dizer a verdade É tarde demais.
The end will come when the investment, time and responsibility for the relationship are contaminated.
There are relationships that have truly served their purpose in our lives and then end. And to insist on this is pure madness! They came as a messenger, telling us things, making us learn and evolve.
In the case of the end of a romantic relationship, we psychotherapists will have to be very careful in helping them share (divide books, photos, furniture, possessions, etc.) and we will also help them share responsibilities with their children.
But the therapist’s most important function will be to help them share their feelings: two whole, separate people must emerge, each with their left brain hemisphere (the rational one) and right brain hemisphere (the emotional one) functioning.
What normally happens is that at the end of the relationship, one of the partners becomes very emotional and the other very rational. The one who shows more rationality destroys everything, socialises with many people, makes up for lost time, etc. And the other, who has come out with the right hemisphere more active, falls into melancholy and nostalgia.
Separação parece cirurgia. Depois que já tentou de tudo é que se faz o corte cirúrgico. Toda separação é muito traumática.
Elaboração: Jaqueline Cássia de Oliveira Psicóloga e psicoterapeuta familiar sistêmica CRP - 04/7521 Fonte: Material didático - Casais & Famílias