"I tell you, what I've lived on: the most difficult thing is not being good and acting honestly; difficult, even, is a definite knowledge of what you want, and have the power to go to the tail of the word." (JGRosa)
1st. AGE – CHRONOLOGICAL: measured from your date of birth.
2nd. AGE – PHYSIOLOGICAL: is the degree of care you have with your health. It is that age that your organism responds for it.
3rd. AGE – IMAGINARY: is the one in which you were disconnected from the Real. When you get frustrated (fight with Real) that's where you go back. It may coincide with the age that you suffered frustration and did not tolerate it.
4th. AGE – THE CHOSEN: it is the age I choose to be. 40-year-olds can choose age 70 or a person chronologically aged 70 can choose to be functioning at age 40. Inevitably from age 40 onwards, you will need to choose your best age! The baseline of choice for this age is what you want out of your life.
ABOUT THE AGE OF OUR FATHERS
See the imaginary age of your parents. Where did your parents get stuck (stopped)?
AT THE AGE AT WHICH A PARENT IS FOOLING, THEIR CHILDREN ARE LIKELY TO BE FOOLING AS WELL.
If there was a stop, where did you stop?
Did you stop at impotence or arrogance?
Like “baby or nanny”?
Dependent or codependent?
Adult or adulterated?
CHILD
He is a believer.
It's a copy (often a copy of copies...)
It is attached (transactional object).
It has not yet built an internal value.
Feels lonely.
She is spoiled and doesn't like to be contradicted.
It needs a lot of attention.
It is primitive – It has precision and need (of the other, of things, of the external).
“Commanded” by instincts, emotions and imagination.
ADOLESCENT
He is disbelieving and against.
Seeks values different from the familiar.
Wants to be different, but being equal to another group.
He questions family, religious, political beliefs, but still continues to make copies.
It is inattentive and desperate.
Skin-deep emotions, which is a kind of draft of true feelings.
It is very imaginary that it is a kind of draft of articulated thought.
ADULT
Has an internal value of its own (different from beliefs)
He became a SUBJECT – he is the agent of the action and occupies his space in his time.
Do not go too low at the trading level.
It may even reach a certain attachment, but temporarily.
ADULTERED
Individual without INTERNAL CONSTRUCTION, without internal value and therefore attached to the other.
The evident characteristic of this type of person is narcissism (vanity and envy): impossibility of integration between his ego and the ego of the other.
TWO TYPES OF ADULTERED
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There is one who goes over the other and seeks attention in a childish way. Play hero and savior. It's arrogant.
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And there is the one who goes over himself and clings to the other. He is dependent, victim, powerless.
Examples:
Alcoholics and users of any drug (licit or illicit); loss of consciousness, leaving life in the hands of the other. It is a kind of slavery (imprisonment of the soul).
Dr. Eduardo Kalina talks about slavery: I understood that addiction to drugs is a form of slavery… Drugs are a phenomenon of submission…
The obese, anorexic, bulimic are trapped in the expectation of the other, in the recognition of the other.
The victims and the heroes: blame or save the other.
Psychopaths/perverts: who need the victim attached to her and the victim who needs the strength of her tormentor.
Psychotics: paralyzed in the search for recognition of the other.
Intellectuals, work a holics – they don't pay attention to themselves and turn everything into thoughts or things/money – seek confirmation from the other through having and doing.
ABOUT ATTACHMENT
The human being is born immersed in the imaginary and is born ATTACHED. The tricky issue is that attachment breeds accommodation, which breeds more imagery and more make-believe.
ABOUT BABY AND NASB
help = value
Saving = attachment/addiction (dependency and co-dependency).
When I'm attached to a person I don't value the person. I hold on to my attitude towards her (to save her, to take care of her, etc.).
Value = wishing you well
Attachment = wanting well (I like you for myself!).
ATTACHMENT IS THE CHILD OF ROOTED BELIEF
NOT EVERYONE HAS VALUE.
BUT EVERYBODY HAS BELIEF!
"You must be forewarned: these people amuse themselves too much with nonsense, from a donkey's tramp they form a typhoon of wind. For the taste of rebulence. They want-because-they want to invent glorious marvels, then they themselves end up fearing and believing. It seems that everyone lacks it." (JGRosa)
NATURAL DEPENDENCE X SLAVERY AND ADDICTION
Natural dependence: it is the one necessary for survival (in time and in an adequate way).
When you adulterate dependency (excessive protection as an example), dependency becomes slavery, because it invalidates the other by funding him not to grow and be free.
The best way to take a person from a natural addiction to a dysfunctional addiction (soul bondage) is through MIMO. Whoever does this is an illusionist = I will spoil you to have the right to command your life.
Note: the human being, when not spoiled, can spoil himself, for fear of growing up and answering for his own life.
THE BABY & NABBA RELATIONSHIP
BABY – The DEPENDENT is demanding, fragile and privileged! Everything offends him, hurts. He sulks, rants, tap dances, swallows his breath, is scandalous, drinks, uses drugs... And the nanny is paralyzed by the scandal.
NASB - The CO-DEPENDENT is an illusionist. The nanny can be limiting and/or destructive (big boss or big boss)
The spoiled baby does nothing and the nanny seems to do everything. The nanny makes a lot of decisions and in the end does nothing worthwhile. It's pure illusion! No one left! Nobody grew up! Nothing happened in REAL. It's all make-believe...
MAFIOS FAMILY RELATIONS
Example from the film: The Godfather 1 (in the mafia relationship, those who are outside do not enter, those who are inside do not come out).
The emotional care of the family is exchanged for CONTROL.
Mafia institution is like that. The mobster says:- If you become small and helpless, I protect you, I give you security. But you can never leave the mafia, otherwise it will kill you!
The security that the mafia provides is in the form of torture. It is destructive for both the baby and the nanny.
THE THREE TYPES OF HELP
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Limiting – helps the other and excludes himself. It is very helpful, but it limits and infantilizes the other.
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Destructive – Mafia. It destroys the other as much as it destroys itself.
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Interactive/shared: two-way. Help and ask for help. Do it for others and do it for yourself.
I CANNOT GIVE YOU THE MOON. I CAN ONLY POINT!
INTERACTING is the opposite of commanding, demanding, controlling.
I don't control anything. But I can interact.
Every time I feel insecure I want to control.
I can live commanding, controlling or submitting myself, being commanded by the other, by food, by drugs...
PREPOTENCE IS A DAY AFTER IMPOTENCE.
LIFE AND THE REAL DO NOT ACCEPT CONTROL / DOMINATION.
LIFE AND THE REAL ACCEPT NEGOTIATION/ INTERACTION (EVOLUTIONARY).
ABOUT AMOUNT
It has to do with freedom of choice and thinking articulated with REAL.
It is a kind of “quality control”, because it has a sense of the whole.
MORE ABOUT ATTACHMENT
It has to do with beliefs and slavery.
Children are very distressed and very attached, because they are in the hands of others. Still looking for confirmation from the other.
ABOUT BELIEF, DISBELIEF AND VALUE
BELIEF: Childish. The child receives the value of the other (family, school, religion, society) and receives it as a belief, because he does not yet have the capacity to make value judgments.
DISBELIEF: teenager. Adolescents question beliefs, are against, but still have no personal value
VALUE: adult. The adult (and not the adulterated) has personal values, because he makes value judgments. He respects the beliefs and/or values of others and takes care of what is valid for him.
ABOUT BELIEFS AND ROOTED BELIEFS
Belief is a primary organization – mythical compass. It's in me, but it's not mine.
To realize your ingrained beliefs, look at familiar sayings.
Belief is the organizer of the collective (groups, institutions, cultures, etc.).
In the individual, belief without value judgment becomes ingrained belief (no effort, no construction, no questioning, just copying). It is a false value.
Belief is functional in the group and dysfunctional in the individual.
** If you tamper with a group's belief, you can destroy that group. And if you touch the rooted belief of someone who still doesn't have a sign of INDIVIDUATION AND MATURITY, you can even "psychotize" it because it takes the "ground" out of the person (who has not built self-worth / internal world).
ATTENTION! BELIEF IS NOT VALUE!
Belief is not my thing. It is borrowed by the family system, by the group.
It is a false value or a false value.
It is tax and/or obligatory.
It has to – different from need, desire, want and meaning.
There is no listening, there is no conversation, there is no negotiation.
WHO HAS INTERIOR LIFE AND VALUE, DOES NOT SUFFER.
YOU WILL BE SAD, BUT YOU WILL NOT SUFFER.
An adult is the one who has a sense of the whole. It has integrated internal world and external world.
Inner world = feeling and thinking systemically (reflecting). Kingdom of values.
External world = thought disconnected from feeling. It is living in the “kingdom” of importance (work, money, social status, professional titles, marital status, sexuality...).
Adulterated is someone who has no sense of the whole and lives trapped in the imaginary/image (external world only). Oddly enough, the more you go wrong in reality, THE MORE YOU ESCAPE INTO THE IMAGINARY, IF YOU "ENDEUZA" AND WANT TO BE SPECIAL!
THE ADULTERED has very sophisticated crutches (drugs, drinks, illnesses, work, money, love, attachments, dependencies and codependencies in general).
Example: the alcoholic DENY that he is aware of what is happening (and in one way or another, everyone has a level of awareness). So he drinks to LOSE his conscience and the rest of the VALUE he has. Thus, he becomes more and more ATTACHED to the drink and distant from the Real.
ABOUT TRUE VALUE
It's what makes SENSE; what makes sense!
It comes from sensitivity, from feeling (internal and external listening).
But attention! If you hold on to a value, it will become an attachment/belief.
Value has expiry date!
ABOUT FALSE VALUE
Attachment and belief is not value yet. It may come to be, because it is a first rudimentary notion of value.
VALUE IS
Something very lonely (no dependencies). I chose it because I wanted to.
Only I am responsible for what I choose and value.
Valor puts me alone before the universe. Right or wrong is my son. I'm the one who chooses what makes sense to me.
Therefore, children, young people and adults have no value. They have beliefs or fashions because they follow the lead of others.
You need time and being individual to have value.
ATTACHED PEOPLE HAVE A HORROR OF LONELINESS, because they don't like to decide and answer for themselves.
BELIEF OF A WOMAN is to live in ATTACHED LOVE, IN GUILT/RESPONSIBILITY. Her freedom is in the hands of a man or her children. When a girl is born, she is given a doll (attached love training, without freedom).
BELIEF OF A MAN is FREEDOM without responsibility and love is in the hands of a woman. O when a boy is born, he is given a ball or a cart (freedom training, but he will not be able to deal with affection).
SOME REFLECTIONS:
WHAT IS YOUR FAMILY'S OPERATING MODEL: ADULT OR ADULTERED? Remember that children have a FAMILY LOYALTY and repeat the family pattern. CHECK YOUR ABANDONMENTS IN CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENCE. How did you get attention? DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF? How do you do it? Remember that human beings tend to exchange care for pampering. If you don't receive treats from others, you end up spoiling yourself and becoming "special". DO YOU BELIEVE (BELIEVE) IN YOURSELF?
Dalai Lama said: "Are you crazy not to like yourself? There in Tibet, at least we have to like ourselves." (In the West we educate on the basis of criticism).
IN WHAT SITUATION DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE PARALYZED?
Was it at the same point as your parents?
The world's belief in recent decades is based on the American model that we have to work hard to pay bills and more bills and have an almost meaningless life, in addition to producing, buying, selling, eating and sleeping. Then the world lost ethical, moral and humanitarian values.
HOW DID THIS NEW WORLD BELIEF AFFECT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
Text organized by Jaqueline Cássia de Oliveira Systemic Psychotherapist - CRP 04/7521 Sources: Handouts and classes of the Systemic Thinking Course – Dr. Zélia Nascimento – Belo Horizonte, MG/Brazil Books, handouts and interviews by Dr. Eduardo Kalina - Buenos Aires – Argentina
